I do not own the rights to Blackadder or Xena Warrior Princess or Columbo or Star Trek Voyager or Mr. Bean or Horatio Hornblower. This is just a fun piece of fan fiction for entertainment. Dedicated to Sprite, SaRa, Claire and Anita/LJP at the Blackadder Ladies Club. Any resemblance between real people and the characters in this story is strictly coincidental. (Jean Akins) Anita M. a.k.a. Lady Jane Pottle a.k.a. Mad Geraldine of the Blackadder Ladies Club has graciously helped me by writing Part Two of this fanfic.
SCENE: Story picks up where Question and Questionability left off. We see the hotel lobby. Blackadder, SaRa, Claire, Gabrielle and Xena are checking out from the hotel.
HOTEL DESK CLERK (smiling): Good morning. Are you ready to check out now?
GABRIELLE: Yes.
HOTEL DESK CLERK: Here's your bill.
GABRIELLE (studies it): Wait a second. What's this? We paid for the room completely in advance. What's this extra item on the bill?
HOTEL DESK CLERK: Oh. That's the charge for the in-room entertainment you requested.
GABRIELLE: 'Milk Maids in Bondage'? We never requested this!
HOTEL DESK CLERK: Let's see. Oh, yes, you did. You saw it at nine o'clock. Then again at eleven o'clock, and so on. A total of five showings.
GABRIELLE: I'm telling you we never saw it! What is it anyway?
HOTEL DESK CLERK: Actors come to your room and do a sketch. You had 'Milk Maids in Bondage' playing in your room a total of five times last night.
GABRIELLE: No, we didn't!
XENA: What's going on here?
GABRIELLE: Xena, look at this bill.
XENA: 'Milk Maids in Bondage'?
Blackadder, SaRa and Claire are just as puzzled as Xena and Gabrielle are.
XENA: This is obviously a mistake. Or you're trying to pull a fast one on us.
HOTEL DESK CLERK: Are you going to pay your bill or not?
XENA: I have a better idea. (strikes the clerk in neck)
GABRIELLE: Oh, Edmund. Looks like you'll get to see Xena's famous neck pinch after all.
XENA: I just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You have thirty seconds to tell me the truth about this bill and these phony charges, or you'll be dead. Got it?
HOTEL DESK CLERK (fear in his eyes and blood slowly running down from his nostrils): Y-y-yes! You don't owe us anything!
XENA: Good. (strikes the clerk in a different spot in the neck)
GABRIELLE: What do you suppose all that nonsense about 'Milk Maids in Bondage' was?
XENA: It's a scam. Hotels have been pulling that for years. They hope to embarrass the guest into paying before other people hear about it. I imagine it'll still be going on years from now.
SaRa and Claire look at each other.
SARA: 'Afro Whores!'
CLAIRE: Oh, yeah!
SCENE: A week later back at the home of Prince George. Blackadder's room has been repaired, good as new. He has resumed his duties as butler for the Prince Regent now that he has been cleared of any suspicion of foul play in the disappearance of SaRa and Claire. He smiles to himself as he remembers the surprise on Detective Columbo's face when they all showed up downtown. Columbo was even more surprised after he finished questioning them because both SaRa and Claire mysteriously vanished right before his very eyes. Xena and Gabrielle left England shortly afterward, but not without each of them giving Blackadder a very long, deep, wet kiss and a very friendly, affectionate pat on his bottom. He is now in the kitchen.
BLACKADDER: Good morning, Baldrick.
BALDRICK: Good morning, Mr. B. Nice to have you back.
BLACKADDER: Thank you, Baldrick. I'd like to say it's nice to be back here working for the prince, but we both know it would be a lie. Yet it's better than being locked up downtown.
A bell rings.
BLACKADDER: Oh, god. What does he want now? (goes upstairs)
SCENE: The drawing room of the home of Prince George. There is a very beautiful woman in her mid-thirties seated next to the prince.
Blackadder enters the room.
PRINCE GEORGE: Ah, Bladder! There you are. Jane, this is my butler. Bladder, my cousin Lady Jane. She just arrived this morning and will be staying for a week's visit.
BLACKADDER (bowing): How do you do, madam?
LADY JANE: Very well, thank you, Bladder.
BLACKADDER: That's 'Blackadder', not Bladder.
LADY JANE: Really? Cousin George called you Bladder.
BLACKADDER: Is there anything I can get for you, madam?
LADY JANE: Yes, actually there is. I'm very tired from my long trip over here. I could really use a nice hot bath. Draw one for me, won't you, Bladder?
BLACKADDER: Yes, madam. (thinking to himself): Oh, god. Is she just as much a mini-brain as her cousin?
Blackadder rings the bell to summon Baldrick.
BLACKADDER: I'll have my dogsbody Baldrick carry your luggage to your room while I draw your bath.
Baldrick enters the room. Blackadder shows him Lady Jane's luggage and explains to him who the guest is.
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, take Lady Jane's luggage to the guestroom upstairs.
BALDRICK: Yes, Mr. B. (grabs hold of the large trunk and lugs it up the stairs)
LADY JANE (to the prince): Georgie, it's been delightful seeing you. But after my bath, I'd like to take a nap. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'll see you later at noon for lunch, all right?
PRINCE GEORGE: Of course. Looking forward to it, Jane.
LADY JANE (to Blackadder): And Bladder, my lady-in-waiting was not able to come with me for this visit, so I'll need you to help me out of my dress.
BLACKADDER (startled, then looking at Prince George for any reaction): Really?
LADY JANE: Yes, really. George, does your butler usually question you when you tell him to do something?
PRINCE GEORGE: Sometimes. Go on, Bladder. Help my dear cousin with whatever she needs.
BLACKADDER (to the prince): Just so we're clear about this. You want me to help your cousin Lady Jane out of her dress so she can take her bath.
PRINCE GEORGE: Yes, Bladder. Well, go on, don't keep her waiting!
BLACKADDER: Very well. This way, Lady Jane.
Jane smiles and waves good-bye to Prince George as she follows Blackadder out of the drawing room.
BLACKADDER: You'll be staying in the finest guestroom in the house.
LADY JANE: Well, of course. That goes without saying. My cousin the Prince Regent wouldn't have it any other way. (pauses) Bladder, how about a quick tour of the upstairs first?
BLACKADDER: That's 'Blackadder', not Bladder. I believe that's the second time I've said that.
LADY JANE: How dare you? Are you getting snippy with me? A mere butler?
BLACKADDER: I meant no disrespect, madam. As for the tour, I thought you were tired and wanted your bath and nap.
LADY JANE: I am. (pouts) But I still want a quick tour of the upstairs. What's that room over there? (points to a door)
BLACKADDER: That is my room.
LADY JANE: Ooh! Show me. I'm curious to see what a butler's room looks like!
BLACKADDER: Oh, I assure you there's nothing to interest you in there. My room is quite Spartan and plain.
LADY JANE (stamping her foot): I SAID SHOW ME!
BLACKADDER (doing his best to maintain his professionalism and composure): Very well, madam. This way.
He opens the door to his room. Lady Jane steps inside and looks around.
LADY JANE: How quaint! Very cozy. Spartan and plain, like you said.
Blackadder says nothing. He is standing at the door waiting for her to finish so she can leave.
LADY JANE: And what a small bed you have. Well, I suppose you wouldn't need a large one, being a mere butler.
BLACKADDER: Pardon?
LADY JANE: I've always thought all butlers were eunuchs. So a small bed that fits just one person would suffice for you.
BLACKADDER (doing his best to keep his anger in check): Are there any other rooms you'd like to see on this floor, madam?
LADY JANE: No. Just take me to my room. Then you can draw my bath. But come back right away so you can help me out of my dress. And don't dawdle. I become very cross when servants dawdle.
BLACKADDER: I assure you, madam, I won't keep you waiting. This way, please.
They reach the door to her room.
BLACKADDER: Here is your room. I'll be in this room next door drawing your bath.
LADY JANE: Good. (opens the door to her room and steps inside, closing the door behind her)
Lady Jane's eyes widen and she smiles when she sees she is not alone in the room.
BALDRICK: Oh! Hello, Lady Jane! You startled me! I brought your trunk to your room.
LADY JANE: Sorry I startled you, Baldrick. But I do have a favor to ask of you.
BALDRICK: Yes, my lady?
LADY JANE (smiling very sweetly and coyly): Baldrick, would you please undo the hooks of my dress?
Baldrick obeys her.
LADY JANE: Thank you, Baldrick. Now would you please take off my dress?
Baldrick obeys her.
LADY JANE: Now remove my shoes.
Baldrick obeys her.
LADY JANE: Good. Now remove my stockings. Silky, aren't they?
LADY JANE: Good. Now carefully remove my undergarments, Baldrick.
Baldrick obeys her.
There is knock at the door and it opens. Blackadder enters the room.
BLACKADDER: Lady Jane, your bath is ready. GOOD GOD! Baldrick!!! What on earth are you doing???!!!
Baldrick is standing naked in the middle of the room. The clothes he had just finished removing are in a pile at his feet. Lady Jane sits fully clothed on her bed watching all of this, an amused smile on her face.
LADY JANE: I believe Baldrick couldn't resist trying on some of my clothes. I asked him to remove them, and he just did.
Baldrick doesn't say a word, just stands there looking very embarrassed.
BLACKADDER: Madam, I apologize deeply for my dogsbody's atrocious behavior. I'll have your clothes thoroughly cleaned. Unless you'd prefer I burn them, in which case I wouldn't blame you one bit, considering the circumstances.
LADY JANE (laughing good-naturedly): Oh, that's quite all right, Bladder. Tell you what. Baldrick, you may keep those clothes as a gift. Play dress-up in your spare time. But just don't take anymore of my clothes, all right?
BALDRICK (surprised): Oh, thank you, my lady! You're most kind and generous, my lady! (gathers the clothes and shoes and leaves quickly before she can change her mind)
BLACKADDER (thoroughly confused): That's it? You're not going to scream and tell the prince to have Baldrick drawn and quartered? You were actually NICE to him!
LADY JANE: And that surprises you? Why, Bladder, I'm insulted. You don't think I'm a nice person?
BLACKADDER (shakes his head, not knowing what to make of the Prince Regent's cousin, so he dodges her question): Madam, your bath is ready. Do you still need help getting undressed?
LADY JANE: Yes, Bladder, of course I do. I can't reach those hooks in the back.
Blackadder carefully unhooks the back of her dress, doing his best to maintain his composure.
Lady Jane smiles to herself, knowing fully well how awkward this must be for the butler. She is relishing this moment.
Blackadder can't help noticing how beautiful and soft her creamy skin is. And her hair smells like lightly fragrant flowers.
BLACKADDER (thinking to himself): Why does she have to be so annoying and demanding?
LADY JANE: Now help me remove my undergarments. All of them.
BLACKADDER: You can't be serious.
LADY JANE (sounding cross): What kind of a butler are you, Bladder? Talking back to nobility! Do as I say!
BLACKADDER (getting very annoyed): Madam, there are some places where one must draw the line. That place is right here. Finish undressing yourself. And I suggest you hurry. Your bath water is getting cold. I left fresh towels for you, so there's no need for you to call me for that. I shall take my leave now, and I'll be downstairs seeing if the prince needs anything. And for the last time, my name is BLACKADDER! NOT Bladder! I'll thank you to remember that!
He leaves and closes the door behind him.
Lady Jane stares at the door. Then she smiles and laughs softly.
LADY JANE (thinking to herself): He's so sexy when he's cross!
SCENE: Outside Lady Jane's room where we see Blackadder leaving.
BLACKADDER (thinking to himself as he returns downstairs): This is going to be a very long week. I can't wait for that infernal woman to leave. I don't even care if she complains to her mini-brained cousin that I refused to comply with her ridiculous demands and gets me fired. Maybe a fresh start working someplace else is just what I need.
He arrives in the kitchen. Baldrick is there wearing the clothes given to him by Lady Jane.
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, would you please go change out of that dress and get back into your regular repulsive smelly clothes? Dress up like that on your own time.
BALDRICK: Yes, Mr. Blackadder. It's just that these feel so good on my skin!
BLACKADDER: I'm surprised you can feel anything on your skin what with the many layers of dirt that must be covering you.
Baldrick leaves the kitchen to go change.
Blackadder sits and reminisces about the time spent in his room with SaRa where they both spent a good long time rolling around together on the floor, the bed, and once with him pinning her against the wall as he brought her to orgasm. He can still hear SaRa crying out with joy. Dear SaRa with her petite tiny frame and pixie-like cute face. She was even cute and adorable when she glared at him that time as she charged at him and pushed him down on the bed. He couldn't understand why she was so angry with him one moment, then made love to him the next moment like a wild tigress. No, more like a very playful kitten who was starving and couldn't get enough of him.
BLACKADDER (thinking to himself): SaRa could set Lady Jane straight about her misconception about all butlers being eunuchs. So could Claire. And Xena. And Gabrielle. All of them could tell Lady Jane a thing or two. But they'd all gone home, wherever home was to them. Will I ever see them again?
SCENE: Lady Jane relaxing in the bathtub. She smiles and savors the warmth of the soapy water.
LADY JANE (thinking to herself): Maybe I pushed him too far. He was so cross with me just now. But I enjoy teasing him! This is fun! I wonder if I should have Harry adjust the program so it'll be easy for me to seduce Blackadder. Hmmm. Naaah! This way is much more of a challenge. Hee-hee! Think I'll get him up here right now while I'm still in the tub!
She pulls at a nearby rope that rings a bell to let Blackadder know his presence is requested.
SCENE: Downstairs in the kitchen. Blackadder is clearly annoyed to hear the bell, knowing the source.
BLACKADDER: Oh, damn. What does she want now? Baldrick, do you ever pray?
BALDRICK: Oh, yes, Mr. B. Every night I say my prayers before I go to bed.
BLACKADDER: Well, put in a good word for me now, will you? I need all the help I can get because I have to go upstairs and face that demonic she-devil who claims to be the Prince Regent's cousin.
BALDRICK: You're not speaking about Lady Jane, are you? I think she's very nice.
BLACKADDER: She was nice to you, Baldrick, for reasons that escape me. I've only seen her annoying and demanding side.
He heads upstairs.
Prince George stops Blackadder on his way up.
PRINCE GEORGE: Bladder, if you're on your way up to my dear cousin, could you please take her this platter of fresh fruit? I happen to know she loves to nibble on fresh fruit while indulging in a nice hot bath. It's one of my favorite things to do, too.
BLACKADDER (taking the platter of fruit): Yes, sir. I'm heading up there right now.
PRINCE GEORGE: Thank you. Don't you just love having her around? Jane is such a breath of fresh air!
BLACKADDER: If you say so, sir. (continues on way to Lady Jane)
SCENE: Holodeck creation room aboard Voyager. Sprite is there with Q2 and Mr. Bean. Mr. Bean is still playing with the action figure dolls provided to him by Q2 so they can fiddle around with the holodeck program story. He has the Blackadder character dolls: Edmund, Baldrick, and Prince George. The dolls representing Columbo, Xena, Gabrielle and the hotel desk clerk are lying to the side of the table.
SPRITE: That's GREAT. That's just so stinking great! So now Anita is in Holodeck 3 trying to make a play for my husband??!! When will those women leave him alone??!! First SaRa and Claire and now Anita! And Anita's got the stinking nerve to knock ten years off her age so she can be the same age as my Blackie??!! Boy, am I going to razz her about that! Did she also give herself a computer-generated complete body-makeover so she can look like a supermodel? 'Lady Jane' my arse! She's probably all over him right now like maple syrup over a stack of pancakes! I should just barge right in there and pry her off of him!
Q2: Not a smart thing to do, Sprite.
Mr. Bean shakes his head to indicate he agrees with Q2.
SPRITE: Why not? Why shouldn't I just go right in there and put a stop to all of this? I should just go in there and say, 'Computer, end program!' Then I'll give that Anita a good telling-off to let her know I won't tolerate this type of back-stabbing behavior from my so-called sisters of the Blackadder Ladies Club!
Q2: For the umpteenth time, Sprite, these are just computer-generated holodeck creations. You have one of your very own that you don't have to share with anyone. You can have Harry pull him up for you anytime in Holodeck 2. The one over in Holodeck 3 currently running is for Anita to enjoy. Why do you have such a problem accepting this?
SPRITE: Because he's MY husband! Why can't you understand? If he's Blackie the Third, the butler to the Prince Regent, then he's MINE. MINE, MINE, MINE!
Q2 sighs. He doesn't know what to do.
SCENE: Lady Jane taking her bath. There is a knock at the door.
LADY JANE: Is that you, Bladder?
BLACKADDER (fuming because she still won't call him by his correct name): No. It's BLACKADDER. You rang?
LADY JANE: Oh, yes. Come in.
Blackadder opens the door. He carries in the platter of fresh fruit.
LADY JANE (squeals): Ooohhh! Snacks! My favorite!
BLACKADDER: These are from the Prince Regent.
LADY JANE: Well, of course they are. I certainly wouldn't expect YOU to come up with the idea to bring me these. It's so like my dear cousin Georgie to be thoughtful and sweet!
Blackadder places the platter on a small table next to the tub. He turns to leave.
LADY JANE: Wait, Bladder! Where are you going?
BLACKADDER: Away from here. I have other duties to attend.
LADY JANE: You'll stay here until I say you can go. Understand? You're only a mere butler, and you'll do as you're told!
BLACKADDER (thinking to himself): It would be so easy to shove her head below the level of the water and hold it down until she stops struggling. 'It was the most tragic thing I ever saw, sir,' I could tell the prince. 'I entered the bathroom to give her the fresh fruit and found that she'd drowned! Poor thing must have fallen asleep in the tub and slid right into the water. After all, she was exhausted from her long journey.' I could convince him. Yes, I'm sure I could!
LADY JANE: I need you to wash my back. I can't reach over there. Here's the sponge.
BLACKADDER: Madam, I really don't think this is appropriate. I shouldn't be here.
LADY JANE: Oh, pshaw! Take the damn sponge and wash my back! And do it nice and gentle. I want to feel soothing, easy strokes up and down my back.
She throws the sponge at Blackadder who refuses to catch it. It bounces off of him and lands on the floor. There is a slight wet spot on his vest where the sponge had hit him.
LADY JANE: Pick that up!
Blackadder bends down and picks up the sponge. He holds it and stares at Lady Jane.
LADY JANE (smiling as she takes a banana from the fruit platter): You're wondering how much of that wet, soapy sponge you can fit into my mouth, aren't you?
BLACKADDER: Ah, the Prince Regent's cousin is a mind reader. Do you entertain at parties?
He walks toward her, sponge in hand, a very determined look on his face.
LADY JANE (calmly peeling the banana): Before you do that, let me ask you this.
BLACKADDER (pausing): Yes?
LADY JANE (smiling a very wicked smile): Wouldn't you rather find out just how much of YOU can fit into my mouth?
Blackadder, clearly startled, drops the sponge. He bends down and retrieves it.
He watches Lady Jane run her tongue slowly up and down the banana. Then she slides it into her mouth and moans as she bites and slowly chews the fruit. Lady Jane swallows and smiles at him.
LADY JANE: You've been cross with me, haven't you? You just don't understand my quirky ways of flirting, you handsome, gorgeous man, you.
BLACKADDER: Being demanding, pouty, and implying that I'm a eunuch is your way of flirting?
LADY JANE: I was just messing with your head. Speaking of head . . . (looks at his pelvic region) I'll bet you're very well hung.
Blackadder (sits on a chair next to the tub, then gently strokes her back with the wet, soapy sponge): Lady Jane, I really don't know what to make of you.
LADY JANE (closing her eyes): Mmmmm. That feels good. If I'd known Cousin Georgie had such a handsome, attractive, sexy butler, I'd have come over for a visit much sooner.
She gazes at him.
LADY JANE: Kiss me, Blackadder.
BLACKADDER: Well, since you finally called me by my correct name, all right.
He leans down to kiss her. Before their lips touch, the door bursts open.
A woman dressed as a lady-in-waiting rushes in and takes the sponge from Blackadder.
WOMAN: You can go now, Mr. Blackadder. I've taken care of that personal business that prevented me from accompanying Lady Jane here. I can finish washing her back. You really shouldn't be doing this, you know. Most inappropriate for a butler to be helping a lady with her bath. What were you thinking?
BLACKADDER: Who the blazes are you?
LADY JANE: Computer, freeze program!
Blackadder freezes.
LADY JANE: Sprite, what the hell are you doing here?
SPRITE: I could very well ask you the same question. Anita, you know perfectly well how I feel about you and the others chasing after my husband!
LADY JANE: You really need to get some help, Sprite. You know that, don't you?
SPRITE: YOU need to stop helping yourself to my Blackie. You know that, don't you?
LADY JANE: I refuse to go over this again. It's like talking to a brick wall. Harry! Could you please remove Sprite from my holodeck program?!
Harry enters the room and takes hold of Sprite's arm.
HARRY: Come on, Sprite. Let's go.
SPRITE: You haven't heard the last of this, Anita! And that goes for SaRa and Claire, too! You'll see! You'll ALL see!
Harry leads Sprite out of the room.
Lady Jane sighs and shakes her head.
LADY JANE: Computer, resume program.
BLACKADDER: What? Where did that woman go?
LADY JANE: Don't worry about her, handsome. She's gone now. Where were we before we were so rudely interrupted? Why, I believe you were just about to reward me with a kiss for finally getting your name right.
BLACKADDER: Oh, yes.
He smiles, puts his arms around her and they kiss.
LADY JANE (softly): I've wanted to kiss your lips the moment I first saw you in the drawing room. I just didn't want to let on to Cousin Georgie. He wouldn't understand.
Blackadder picks up the sponge and continues to gently wash her back.
LADY JANE: Mmmmmmmm. That feels nice.
BLACKADDER: Speaking of 'nice', does this mean from now on you'll be nice to me during the rest of your visit here? No more barking orders at me? No more throwing sponges or other items in my direction?
LADY JANE (smiling sweetly): Oh, yes. I'll be so unbelievably nice to you. Just you wait and see.
BLACKADDER: That's good to know. We'll get along just fine.
LADY JANE (grinning impishly): And if I ever misbehave, you can turn me over on your lap and give me good sound spanking. All right?
Blackadder is intrigued. He smiles.
LADY JANE: I'm done with my bath now. Would you be willing to meet me in my room in just a few minutes? It would give me an opportunity to show you how very nice I can be to you and to make up for my ungracious behavior earlier.
BLACKADDER: Very well. I'll be there in just a few minutes.
He gets up and leaves, closing the door behind him.
Lady Jane smiles to herself and squeals with delight.
Blackadder leaves the bathroom and returns downstairs to check on things before meeting Lady Jane in her room.
Lady Jane stands up in the tub and is almost done drying herself when she slips and falls. The impact of her head on the side of the tub knocks her out. Fortunately, she flops over the side instead of sliding into the tub and drowning.
Meanwhile, unknown to almost everyone in the house, Baldrick's disgusting little sister Min Min who had been fired and was supposed to leave had instead been staying with her brother in his room. Baldrick couldn't bear to turn her out, especially since their own parents refused to take her back what with her being such an annoying little twerp. So Baldrick had kept Min Min's presence a secret from Blackadder and the Prince Regent.
When Min Min had seen the beautiful clothes and shoes Lady Jane gave Baldrick, she couldn't resist wearing the garments. Now she wants to see what other fine clothes Lady Jane had brought for this visit. Min Min sneaks upstairs and slips into the guestroom while Lady Jane is lying unconscious in the bathtub and Blackadder is checking on things downstairs. She rummages through the trunk and handles the fine items belonging to Lady Jane. What a time she has trying on Lady Jane's clothes! Min Min admires herself in the tall mirror. The clothes are a bit too large for her in the chest area.
MIN MIN (talking out loud to herself): I wish I wasn't so ikkle. ["ikkle" is Min Min's infantile way of saying 'little']
She decides to lie down and take a nap on the bed, so she does. She drifts off to sleep and does not notice the door quietly and slowly opening.
Blackadder steps into the room and quietly closes the door. It is dark in the room and he can barely make out the figure on the bed. He quickly undresses and eagerly pounces on her.
The screams are loud enough to wake the dead.
BLACKADDER: What the blazes are YOU still doing here?! I fired you and told you to pack your things and get out!
MIN MIN: AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! You're naked! AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!
She bawls her head off.
Blackadder grabs his clothes and quickly gets dressed. He opens the door and rushes downstairs while yelling for Baldrick. Baldrick had heard the screams and came running upstairs, so the two men meet halfway on the stairwell.
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, if you knew about Min Min still being in this house, I'm going to have you drawn and quartered!
BALDRICK: Please try to understand, Mr. Blackadder! I can't turn my back on my little sister!
Meanwhile Lady Jane has awakened from her bump on the head, and gets out of the tub. She puts on a robe and heads toward her room. She is surprised to see and hear all the commotion. Min Min is standing in the doorway of the guestroom, still bawling.
LADY JANE: I don't believe this! You're wearing my clothes, you disgusting snot-faced little twerp! You're staining my dress with your tears! And what the hell are you doing in this holodeck program???!!!!
SCENE: The corridor outside Holodeck 3. We see Harry Kim working on the console panel. A young woman approaches.
HARRY: Kara! Glad you could come.
KARA: Another computer virus?
HARRY: Yes, and since you've had experience with how dangerous the Millicent virus can be, I'd appreciate any advice you can give me on what we might expect from this new one: the Min Min virus.
KARA: AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! (shudders) Sorry. Didn't mean to lose control like that.
HARRY: You've heard of this Min Min virus?
KARA: Well, let me put it this way. If this virus could manifest itself into an actual physical being right here in this corridor, I'd swat her right now.
HARRY (gives Kara a puzzled look): 'Her'? Well, anyway, it appears to have affected the rest of the ship. Some of our archival documents have been changed so that they now appear in an weird barely literate fashion. And it's spreading rapidly to ALL of our documents.
KARA: Let me guess: Arabic numerals such as '2' and '4' are substituted for the words 'to' or 'too' and 'for'. And some words are shortened such as 'Cing' to replace 'seeing'? (writes the examples on a notepad to show Harry what she means)
HARRY: How did you know that?!
KARA: Let's just say I'm familiar with it and would rather not say why. I get a headache just thinking about it.
HARRY: Another strange thing, and this is very disgusting. Our food replicators are producing food with (shudders) unwanted matter.
KARA: You mean boogers? Snot?
HARRY: Well, yes. Ugh.
KARA: Yep. It's the Min Min virus all right. Let's see about wiping it clean from the system.
Fifteen minutes later:
HARRY: Kara, I can't thank you enough. Speaking for the captain and the rest of the crew, you've saved Voyager!
KARA: Aw, shucks, Harry. My pleasure. Uh, just one thing.
HARRY: Name it.
KARA: Can you let me use Holodeck 1 for a moment?
HARRY: Sure.
SCENE: Holodeck 1. Kara is in it. So is a holodeck generated creation of Min Min.
MIN MIN: I'm only ikkle, so everyone should stop picking on me.
Kara swats Min Min very hard and knocks her out cold.
KARA: Oh, that felt so good.
She smiles and leaves the holodeck.
SCENE: The hallway where all the commotion takes place. Min Min is still bawling while standing in the doorway of Lady Jane's room. Prince George is on his way upstairs to see what all the noise is. Blackadder and Baldrick are arguing about Min Min still being in the house. Lady Jane is shouting at Min Min to shut up and stop getting the dress all stained with her tears and snot.
But now, thanks to Kara helping Harry wipe out the computer virus, Min Min instantly disappears. The dress she was wearing falls to the floor. Lady Jane finds herself shouting at nobody, so she stops. Over the next few seconds the memory of Min Min fades from the holodeck created beings of Blackadder, Baldrick and Prince George. In twenty seconds they have no memory of her ever having existed. But Lady Jane remembers. She keeps quiet about it.
Prince George returns downstairs to lounge around in the drawing room. Baldrick returns to the kitchen to do his chores. Blackadder putters around awkwardly as Lady Jane picks up the dress from the floor and goes into her room. She glances at Blackadder, smiles and closes the door. Blackadder looks at the door for a moment, then goes into his own room and waits. He figures giving Lady Jane about ten minutes to prepare herself should be enough time so that she will be able to receive him properly.
Ten minutes later Blackadder gently knocks on the door of Lady Jane's room.
LADY JANE: Come in.
Blackdder opens the door and steps into the room. The draperies are closed and the room is dimly lit. Lady Jane is lying on the bed. She is wearing nothing but a smile on her face.
BLACKADDER: Lady Jane, are you ready to receive me now?
LADY JANE: Oh, yes. Come over here, you gorgeous sexy man.
Blackadder joins her on the bed. They eagerly embrace and kiss each other.
LADY JANE: Let's get you out of these clothes.
BLACKADDER: That won't take long.
He kicks off his shoes and gets undressed. She admires his sinewy and wiry physique.
LADY JANE: Would you be willing to indulge in a fantasy of mine?
BLACKADDER: Fantasy? What kind of fantasy?
LADY JANE: It's always been an erotic fantasy of mine to be sexually ravaged by a sailor. My dearly departed husband used to indulge me in this fantasy. I have his costume here in the bottom of my trunk. You look to be about his size. Would you be a dear and put on this sailor costume before you ravage me?
She smiles at him coyly.
BLACKADDER: All right. It sounds like it could be fun.
Lady Jane gets the costume from the bottom of her trunk and brings it over to him.
LADY JANE: Yes, I think it'll fit you perfectly.
Blackadder nods and puts on the sailor costume.
BLACKADDER: How is it you happen to have this costume with you for this visit?
LADY JANE: I'm very sentimental. Just having that costume that my beloved dear late husband used to wear makes me feel like he's still with me. I know it must sound silly to you.
BLACKADDER: No, not at all. I understand.
LADY JANE: I brought that platter of fruit in here if you get hungry. We'll be working up an appetite soon.
BLACKADDER: Oh, good. Actually, one of those pears looks very tasty right about now.
LADY JANE: Allow me. You just lie here on the bed and get comfortable.
She reaches over to the nightstand where she had placed the fruit platter and selects a pear.
LADY JANE: Here you are, my gorgeous sexy man.
Blackadder takes a bite of the pear and chews it.
LADY JANE: Tasty?
He nods and swallows.
They kiss and fondle each other.
LADY JANE: Here's how my fantasy goes. I was taking a stroll on the docks when all of a sudden you grab me, gag me and carry me off onto your ship where you sexually ravage me. And there's not a thing I can do to stop you from having your way with me. I'm completely at your mercy. But you show me no mercy. You use me again and again to satisfy your depraved sexual desires and ignore my pleas for you to stop and let me go.
Blackadder becomes very aroused listening to this.
LADY JANE (looking at the bulge in his pelvic region): I can see you like the idea of this fantasy.
BLACKADDER: Oh, yes. Very much.
He pounces on her, covers her mouth with his and kisses her passionately.
That is the last thing he remembers doing when he awakens feeling very, very groggy. He slowly opens his eyes. Strange. This looks nothing like the guestroom where Lady Jane is staying. And where is Lady Jane?
MALE VOICE: Look, Horatio. He's finally awakening.
SECOND MALE VOICE: Thank you, Archie. Mr. Blackadder? Are you all right?
Blackadder's eyes are fully open now. He looks around and finds himself aboard a ship. He looks up and sees two men he'd met about a year ago.
BLACKADDER (getting up and realizing what's happened): Good Lord! Hornblower? Am I back on the Indefatigable?
LT. HORATIO HORNBLOWER: Indeed you are, Mr. Blackadder. Any idea as to how you came back aboard?
BLACKADDER: No. Wait a tick. Maybe I do know. Oh, but she couldn't have. How could she? She must have drugged the fruit somehow. Oh, but if she did do this, she's going to pay for it, that conniving, demonic she-devil!
HORNBLOWER: Demonic she-devil? Who would that be?
BLACKADDER: If my theory is correct, the cousin of my employer is responsible for my being here on this ship. Did anyone here see me being brought on board? Archie? Anyone?
ARCHIE: No. Some of the crew thought they heard some noise coming from this side of the ship, so when they came over to investigate, they found you here lying unconscious on the deck. But they did see a small rowboard quickly moving away in the water with a couple of strong-looking men rapidly pulling on the oars.
HORNBLOWER: Uh, Mr. Blackadder, why are you wearing that sign on your back?
BLACKADDER: Sign? What sign?
HORNBLOWER: The one that reads 'Get It Here'.
BLACKADDER: I'll kill her. So help me, I'll kill her for this.
ARCHIE (smiling): Sounds like some woman really had it in for you, Mr. Blackadder.
BLACKADDER: How far away are we from shore?
HORNBLOWER: A good half a day's journey.
BLACKADDER: Oh, DAMN!
HORNBLOWER (being the gracious host): Come along, Mr. Blackadder. Captain Pellew will be delighted to see you again. Are you hungry? Let's get you something to eat. We'll get you back home. Don't you worry about that. For now, just enjoy your stay here.
Meanwhile, back at the home of Prince George:
LADY JANE: Georgie, I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying my visit here. You've been such a delightful host as usual.
PRINCE GEORGE: Thank you, Janie. And you're always the delightful houseguest. I wonder where Bladder is? I haven't seen him since early this morning.
LADY JANE: Hmmm. Who knows?
She smiles and chuckles silently to herself, feeling satisified at having taught Blackadder a lesson for daring to even think of stuffing that wet sponge into her mouth. How dare a mere servant think of treating a member of nobility that way? By the time the Indefatigable comes this way again and can let Blackadder ashore, she will have left the home of Prince George, so she'll be far from Blackadder's reach to pay her back for her stunt.
It is almost a week later. Lady Jane's visit with her cousin is almost over. She still has one more day to enjoy the company of the Prince Regent. Prince George and Lady Jane have spent the past few days attending parties and having a grand, merry time without a care in the world.
LADY JANE: Georgie, you are absolutely the best host in the world! I'm having such a wonderful time here visiting with you.
PRINCE GEORGE: My pleasure, Janie.
LADY JANE: You must excuse me. I'm so exhausted from today's activities. I must go to my room now and lie down. Will you wake me in time for dinner?
PRINCE GEORGE: Of course, Janie. That should be in about three hours.
LADY JANE: Thank you, Georgie.
She climbs the stairs to her room.
PRINCE GEORGE: Baldrick, still no word or sign of Bladder?
BALDRICK: You mean Mr. Blackadder, sir?
PRINCE GEORGE: Yes, yes. Whatever. Where the devil do you suppose he's been all week?
BALDRICK: I wish I knew, sir. It's not like him to disappear like that without a word.
SCENE: Lady Jane's room. She enters the room and closes the door. She stretches and yawns and prepares to undress for bed. Suddenly a hand emerges from the shadows and covers her mouth. An arm strongly grabs her, then pushes her roughly face down onto the bed. She feels the weight of her attacker pinning her down so she cannot get up. The hand is released from her mouth, but before she can scream, a piece of cloth is quickly placed to gag her. Her attacker ties the cloth securely so she cannot shake the gag free. Then her left wrist is tied to one bedpost, followed by her right wrist tied to the other bedpost. All the while her attacker says nothing. But he chuckles softly.
LADY JANE (thinking to herself): That laugh. That voice. No, it can't be him. Impossible.
But deep inside she knows it to be true. Blackadder had returned and was out for revenge for what she had done to him.
Her dress is pulled upward to reveal her body from the waist down. She feels hands roughly removing her shoes, stockings and lower undergarments. She is now naked from the waist down.
BLACKADDER: You told me I could give you a good sound spanking if you ever misbehaved, Lady Jane. Well, here it is.
He spanks her hard several times. Her body jerks with each spank. She shudders and her cries of pain are muffled by the gag.
BLACKADDER: Drugging the fruit. Tsk, tsk. Not a nice thing to do. Do you always carry knock-out drugs with you in case you need to render someone unconscious? I don't know how you managed to get me carried out to a boat and transported back onto that ship, but you are going to regret your actions. Oh, yes, you will.
Lady Jane is afraid now. She can hear the anger in his voice, and she is securely tied down to the bed.
BLACKADDER: We could have had a very lovely time together, you and I. But you had to ruin all that. Well, so be it. Your loss.
He moves close to her and whispers into her ear.
BLACKADDER: Your punishment isn't over yet, Lady Jane. Far from it.
She feels something very sharp stick into the left cheek of her bare bottom. In a few minutes she is unconscious. Blackadder puts away the needle he used to inject the drug.
SCENE: The docks. Lady Jane awakens. She is upright and tied to a post. A sign hangs on the front of her that reads 'Get It Here'. It hangs low enough to reveal her cleavage, as her dress is very lowcut. She is still gagged. Blackadder is seated on a bench not far from her. He glances up at her.
BLACKADDER: You're finally awake. Good. Oh, I returned that sign you had placed on my back. I think it looks much better on you than it did on me. You'll be doing favours for sailors. Any moment now your first client will be here. I've let word get around that you're into bondage and that they should do you right where you are, tied to that post. All they have to do is lift your skirt. You're not wearing anything underneath it. That should get the sailors all excited. Oh, Lady Jane, why do you look so frightened? This is your erotic fantasy come true. The one you told me about in your room. Let's see, if I recall correctly, it's where you're taking a stroll on the docks when all of a sudden a sailor grabs you, gags you and sexually ravages you. And there's not a thing you can do to stop the sailor from having his way with you. You're completely at his mercy. But he shows you no mercy. He uses you again and again to satisfy his depraved sexual desires and ignores your pleas for him to stop and let you go. Well, your fantasy is about to come true, many times over. The fleet will be arriving. It's your lucky night.
Lady Jane tries to speak, but the gag is firmly in place.
BLACKADDER: You have something you want to tell me? All right. I'll remove the gag, but if you scream, I'll slit your throat. Understand?
She nods yes.
He pulls out a very sharp knife and places it at her neck. Then he carefully removes the gag.
LADY JANE: Blackadder, I'm so sorry for what I did. Please let me go. I'll do anything to make it up to you. Anything!
BLACKADDER: Why don't I believe you? Oh, yes. Because you told me you'd show me how unbelievably nice you could be to me, and instead I ended up drugged and aboard a frigate miles away at sea.
LADY JANE: At least I made sure it was aboard a ship where they knew you! I could have had those men put you aboard a different ship where you could have been forced to stay and work as a sailor for the rest of your life!
BLACKADDER: And how did you know about my experience aboard the Indefatigable? I'm very curious about that.
LADY JANE: Cousin Georgie wrote me about it a few days after it happened. We stay in touch by letters between visits. Oh, Blackadder, please. I beg of you. Let me go! I'll pleasure you in so many ways you never dreamed possible! Please! I'll let you ravage me! Just don't leave me tied up like this!
BLACKADDER: Hmmm. No, I don't think so. You need to learn your lesson, which is to never cross a Blackadder, for you shall surely regret it.
He places the gag back over her mouth. She tries to scream, but it is too late.
She hears footsteps approaching. She turns and sees three men walking toward her. They are leering at her as they get closer.
A fourth man, very young and tall, approaches from a different direction. He walks over to Blackadder and sits next to him.
BLACKADDER (to the young man): Horatio, when you revealed your true feelings for me, I was so deeply moved. You've made me the happiest man alive.
HORNBLOWER (tenderly): No, Edmund. It is you who have made me the happiest man alive. I thought I'd finally gotten over you almost a year ago, but when I saw you again aboard the Indefatigable, I knew I couldn't keep my feelings a secret for a moment longer! I love you!
They embrace and kiss.
Lady Jane cannot believe what she is seeing and hearing. No wonder her offer to pleasure Blackadder in ways he never dreamed possible had no effect on him!
The three men are now slowly circling around Lady Jane, staring at her from top to bottom, like wolves studying their prey right before the kill.
LADY JANE (thinking to herself): Why the blazes didn't I just say 'Computer, end program' when he removed the gag? What a time to have a fucking brain fart!!!
Suddenly the men all burst into laughter.
BLACKADDER: All right, all right. Enough. I think she's learned her lesson.
HORNBLOWER: If you say so. Archie, Matthews, Styles. Let's head back to the ship.
Blackadder unties Lady Jane from the post and removes her gag.
BLACKADDER: Breathe a word of this to the Prince Regent, and I'll see to it that you get gang-banged for real by a bunch of sailors. You'll never know when or where. And you know I can do it. I have friends who can help me make that happen.
LADY JANE: So, you and that young man aren't really in love?
BLACKADDER: He's a decent and fine fellow, but no, we're not in love. Shared some good times aboard the ship. But it was all perfectly innocent.
They return to the home of Prince George.
SCENE: Lady Jane's room. Blackadder and Lady Jane are lying in bed together, both completely spent.
LADY JANE: I believe you've succeeded in buggering me senseless, Blackadder.
BLACKADDER: Can't argue with you there.
He gets up, gets dressed and walks toward the door.
BLACKADDER: The Prince Regent will be calling you for dinner any moment now.
LADY JANE: Oh, good. I'm so very hungry. Worked up a big appetite just now.
SCENE: The corridor outside Holodeck 3. We see Harry Kim and Anita (Lady Jane).
HARRY: Did you have a nice time, Anita?
ANITA: More than nice, Harry. It was the best ever! I wish it didn't have to end.
HARRY: Well, it doesn't really have to end, you know.
ANITA: Meaning?
HARRY: We have an alternate storyline here. You can go back in and we'll pick up where you as Lady Jane throws the sponge at Blackadder. It bounces off of him, lands on the floor, and you order him to pick it up.
ANITA: And?
HARRY: Only this time he doesn't pick it up. He storms out of the bathroom leaving you there alone.
ANITA: Oh, dear. Then what?
HARRY: That's up to you, Anita. Are you willing to give this a go?
ANITA: Well, do I get to shag him in this alternate storyline?
HARRY: Again, that's up to to you.
ANITA: Okay! I'll do it!
HARRY: Let me set the control. All right. You may enter the holodeck now, Lady Jane.
ANITA: Thank you, Harry.
SCENE: The bathroom. Blackadder has stormed out, leaving Lady Jane in the tub.
Continues in Part Two. See the link at the bottom of this page.
Relative and Relativity, Part Two
Hornblower Meets Blackadder
Question and Questionability
Gainsborough portrait of Englishwoman the 1780's